John is my father. John lives in a vicarage with his wife and step-kids, plus my brother. John is not a vicar. Although five weeks after moving into the house he had a knock on the door, who's that he thought, he opened the door to find a man there, "Is the Vicar in?" My dad turned round and laughed at the man, "I don't think so pal, he hasn't been here for the past 5 years I believe but if you find him, tell him that the upstairs smells of weed and has been since we moved in will you." That was the last we saw of him, that is why we call my dad Vicar John.
Many people who know me and my father would say that were very alike, actually the first time I met my step-mum who was my dad's girlfriend at the time she said that I am my dad but without balls. This was not even an hour after meeting her, its fair to say she was more than nervous about meeting me, but that is another story for another time.
Anyway, today me and my brother went to maccies before I dropped him off back at the house, it had just past 2 and we ordered our food to take out, thinking it would be funny to go round to my dads house and eat the food in front of them all as they are dieting. We ordered spicy chicken nuggets, two large fries, a wrap, milkshake and a fanta. It took forever for the order but we waited, my brother getting more and more anxious as his friends work at McDonalds. That was when we saw her, a girl from his tutor, I'd like to say that there was a moment in which Archie (my brother) and the girl (who I shall not name) stared deeply into one another eyes, caught in there own world. Like all great love stories. Except he just went red and looked away from her friendly gaze. Minutes later she walk through, food in hand, "Number Eleven!" She called. Me and Archie walk up and grab the bags. Bags we didn't order that much? We make it into the car and I look inside, because they always seem to muck up my order, vanilla instead of banana milkshake is the worst! Only to my surprise I see that the girl has given us not two but four large fries!
"No f***king way." He turns around, "What?" He mumbles like a typical teen, "She's given us four fries." His eyes widen, his face turns into disbelief, "Quick drive!" He bellows, like Gandalf in the mines of moria, about to fall to his death. I get in and drive off, fries in hand. Feeling like we've just won the lottery, as I drive Archie laughs to himself, "I knew she always liked me." I couldn't help but smile at his, whether he was being serious or just joking it made me smile.
Moving on, while fleeing from the scene of the crime, we arrived at dad's house only to hear "Fuck off you useless bastard!" screamed from the back of the house, we walk through, food in hand and find Amanda fighting with the lawn mower. She sees us and smiles her innocent smile, her 'Everything is fine smile' which just makes it even more laughable. I give her one of the fries and we marvel the garden. If there is one thing that you should know about my Dad and Amanda it is that they don't garden, they hate gardening but the fact that they live in a place with has a large garden makes this even more entertaining to watch, especially when they pay Archie to do it most of the time. My Dad joins us, "Pheebs, you seen the drive?" I look at him blankly, not knowing what to say, is this how fellas feel when there lass's get there hair done and they don't notice, even though its very obvious what they've had done? "Er no?" I hang my head. "You joking! Come on, come see" He waves his hands at me. We walk through the side gate where he puts on his gardening gloves and walks towards the wheel barrow, "Never had one of these before." He smiles, clearly overjoyed with himself. He carries it through to the front of the garden where all the tools are spread out all over the place. "Look, I've cut the hedges, took the weeds up and what do you think?" I look at his work and now that he's pointed it out I can see what he's done and its looking more clearer, a whole three metres. "Yeah it looks great, how long has this took you?" I say trying to sound amazed and not snarky. "Since eleven." He says breathless. It's took him almost 4 hours wow, he grabs the shears and reluctantly starts to cut away at the ivy. "You look like your enjoying that." I say sarcastically. He snips away not looking at me, "Almost as much as I enjoyed having open arse surgery." He replies even more sarcastic as me. If you heard him you probably thought he said "open heart" but no, you read this right, open arse. My father likes to make a point that having surgery on his arse and that now he has a robo butt. We laugh at his comment because lets face it having to have surgery on your arse because you spent too much time on the toilet reading and playing candy crush is funny.
After all this is just another day in the life as the Yorkshire Bookworm,
Till next time,