This is a tale not for the faint-hearted. Strictly Come Dancing is due back on our screens soon and after seeing the promo video it brought me back to last year where I was a victim of a sick explosion.
It was a Sunday night, I had finished work and I was at home with my brother and Clare had decided to go out on her bike for an hour which we both knew was code for 4 hours and not to bother waiting up for her. So we had the house to ourselves and Clare had bought us a £1 pizza from the corner shop. So naturally we hid it in the freezer and ordered a sneaky Chinese without her. The deal was simple, eat all of it and leave no evidence, all tubs were to be cleaned and used as spare tubs and the bags to be pushed down in the bin and hidden beneath the crisp wrappers. We ordered chips, egg fried rice, plain noodles, gravy, salt and pepper chicken and possibly chicken balls. We sat down and ate as much as we could, Archie being bigger than me was able to eat what I couldn't, leaving no waste. It was nearing eight o'clock and Strictly results were due to be announced and so I went to bed to watch it, cuppa tea in one hand. I was wearing my star wars pj top and pink skinny jogging bottoms and fluffy socks. Its important that you know what I was wearing. I was comfy in my bed and thought life couldn't get any better, Archie was in his bedroom which is next to mine and next to the stairs, opposite the bathroom, so if you want to go down the stairs you have to pass Archie's room. Also important that you know that. Strictly had just come on and the opening dance was taking place when I heard footsteps and a loud splash. I thought that Archie had perhaps gone into the bathroom and spilled water everywhere. It wasn't until I heard him say, "Phoebe?" In a tiny soft voice, the type of voice you hear when someone is about to deliver you bad news, I knew something bad had happened.
I muted the TV and responded, "What you done?" Perhaps he's got a headache, perhaps he's got another nose bleed, he gets them a lot. But no, instead, "I've been sick." Bollocks!!!! I get out of bed and open my bedroom door to find that from his bedroom door to the bathroom door was an explosion of sick. It absolutely stunk of Chinese and it was the worst smell in the world. "Fuckin' hell Archie why can't you never make it to the bastard toilet!" I whined, he came out of the bathroom and his legs had sick on them too. "I think I ate too much Chinese." He said, his face hanging in shame. "No shit Sherlock, now get in the shower I'll get a start on this, can't have mum coming home to find the landing stinking of sick." He did as he was told and I stood there trying to figure out how to get across. I couldn't jump because I would hit the banister, I couldn't step over it as I'm only 5ft 3 and I have very short legs. There was no way round it, it was like a whole new ball game of the floor is lava. I looked beside me, there was washing basket which is a box really, and above it is the door to the boiler. I thought park core, it could work, I pull myself up on the washing basket using the door handle and then jump across, go downstairs get the supplies I need to clear this mess up and then presto. I put my foot on the washing basket and then my hands on the handle and then attempted to pull myself up, I lifted my other foot onto the basket, it was all going to plan, what I didn't count on was the fact that the basket was empty and therefore there was no weight to it so as I lifted myself up the basket gave way and my feet fell and so did my hands from the handle. Shitttttt!!!!!!!! I fell straight in it, on my back. the only way I can describe it to you was that if you put a tortoise on its shell then that's what I probably looked like lying in my brother's sick. It was the most awful and embarrassing moment of my entire life! My body didn't know how to react or get out of the situation that I started to laugh and cry at the same time. Next minute Archie comes out of the bathroom, "Jesus Phoebe what are you doing?" He wailed, laughing and on his phone. "You better not be taking photos!" I screamed. He actually had tears of laughter coming out of his eyes at this point, "I'm not I'm ringing dad, this is just too funny!" My dad used to be a floor fitter so all we got from him was laughter and how to clean the carpet. While Archie is still on the phone I attempt to pull myself up, only when I do get up that I realise that my whole back, arse and legs are covered in rice, noodles and its seeping through. My hair at the ends also had sick in it as well. I walk downstairs and strip off, grabbing the nearest clothes, Archie's clothes, serves the bastard right, if I'm going to help him clean up I ought to do it in his clothes.
It took almost 2 hours to clear it up, Archie got it everywhere and after explaining to him that you just can't hoover the sick up and that there was a process to cleaning a carpet we finally managed to get it all clear. Leaving the fan on the dry the carpet out as well.
I managed to clean my clothes that were subject to the sickuation, we also managed to keep the sneaky Chinese a secret from Clare. Since that day I have not had egg fried rice nor have I had noodles as the smell makes me want to throw up. At least I make it to the toilet, unlike Archie. Its also fair to say that I missed Strictly which was really annoying. So if I did find the whole experience embarrassing and awful why am I sharing it with you? Because looking back at it, it was bloody funny, it was one of those moments in life that you just can't right.
After all it was just another day in the life of the Yorkshire Bookworm,
Till next time,