Vicar John (Not a real vicar but lives in a vicarage) and Amanda are coming up to Carlisle to for the weekend and are bringing my sister Katie who said she will literally sleep on my bedroom floor if she was allowed to come. You see me dad and Amanda already booked a room before Katie wanted to come so now she is going to sleep on my floor, I might blow up Estelle the Unicorn for her to sleep on but we'll see.
Amanda is a great step mum, she really is. She may talk a lot, especially through movies and makes inappropriate jokes, most of them rude and things no step-daughter should ever hear but you know that's Amanda for you.
I've been wanting to tell this story on my blog for a long time but I always thought it would be too far, too personal to tell and that people may get the wrong impression. However, its way to funny not to tell and its a really great story. I didn't meet Amanda until December 2018, her and my Dad had been together for four months already but it wasn't until then I met her where she talked my ear off, I literally didn't get chance to talk and she may of thought me ignorant but it's just because she wouldn't shut the hell up.
Anyway it wasn't until I began to drive in the April that I saw Amanda more and began to build a friendship with her. July approaches and I've just turned 18 and Amanda was still playing that "I'm perfect not an absolute train wreck," what I mean by that is that she hadn't let her guard down, she hadn't embarrassed herself in front of me.
On Sunday I spent the morning with my Dad and Amanda which then turned to afternoon drinking, we had a gin, a lovely orange and ginger one, and a couple of pints in the pub playing pool. I then went home it was around 3ish and they decided to go to the local canal pub for more drinks. Amanda told me that she can't do afternoon drinking as it just writes her off but me and my Dad can, and we encouraged her so this is partly our fault for what later happened. It got to 5ish when I got a text from Dad asking me if I could give him and Amanda a lift back home at 6, I said yes, I was about to walk out the door to pick them up when I got another text saying something like, "1900 pick us up." I text him back telling him he was taking the piss.
7 approaches and I set off to pick them up, my car at the time was a silver 2002 three door Ford Ka. I parked outside the pub and next minute my Dad comes staggering out, his eyes narrowed, he was absolutely shit-faced. He's shouting "Manda! Manda! Phoebe's here come on!" He comes to the car and climbs into the back seat behind the passenger seat struggling to put his seat belt on. Amanda then comes out of the pub, also staggering but its one of those walks that you do when you throw shade at someone and walk away with an explosion happening behind you. She gets in the front and says "Thanks for this Phoebe." Her face all serious, I mumble no worries and begin to drive them home. Meanwhile my Dad is swaying in the back of the car and Amanda begins to talk.
"We did it John! We fucking did it!" Still to this day I don't know what they did nor do they know. Amanda is giddy with drunkenness and says, "You know Phoebe, your dad is probably the most funny and sexiest man I have ever seen." Cringe, I just awkwardly smile, keeping my eyes on the road hoping she doesn't go any further. "Don't you think though, he is so sexy, John you are a very sexy man." Amanda continues. At this point I look in my mirror to see that my Dad is falling asleep when his eyes shoot open, "I'm gonna be sick stop the car." I look to pull over when Amanda begins to laugh, "Sick! My John doesn't throw up nah don't stop." I've stopped the car and my Dad's face is showing all signs of sick and Amanda refuses to move from the seat. We both shout, "Amanda get out of the fucking car!" She eventually gets out just in time my Dad climbs through and throws up on the path and Amanda gets in the back seat still saying, "What! Nah my John doesn't throw up, what you doing John!" Dad eventually stops throwing up and gets into the front. I drive as quickly as I can, having a black box not helping, don't want another sick fest. As I get closer my Dad begins to spit out of the window, or would of done if he put the window down, I couldn't put them down though for there roll up ones not electronic, explaining this to Dad was very painful. I eventually park up outside there house where Dad runs out of the car and straight into the house, Amanda gets into the front, the two of us laughing at my Dad. Its just the two of us and I really just want to go home. Amanda looks at me and says "Your really beautiful Phoebe," I can smell the booze and I know for a fact she won't remember saying any of this, me not being able to take a compliment from a drunk person I just smile, hoping that will be the end to our conversation. "You are, Phoebe so beautiful and I'm not saying that you are one but if I was a lesbian I would." She raises her eyebrows and winks at me and then kisses my cheek. She staggers out of the car and begins shouting for my Dad. So not only did Amanda tell me how sexy she thought of my Dad but she also said she would to me which is rather disturbing.
The following day I was at work and Amanda was texting me telling me how she or my Dad hadn't eaten all day and thought shots would be a good idea and that she couldn't remember me taking them home. She apologised for anything she might of done. So I told her everything but the fact that she said she would. I didn't want to embarrass her. At dinner her and my Dad came into the shop, sunglasses on and carrying a cake for me from the bakery. I take it and say thank you. We go over the night and Amanda notices me holding back and asks what it is. I tell them both and he head falls into her hands, she's absolutely gob-smacked at what she said, my Dad laughing, tears falling from his eyes. He turns round and says, "That like me saying to Jake that if you were eighteen I would bum you." Jake is Amanda's eleven year old son (at the time), my Dad's comment making us all laugh and Amanda shake her head in shame.
Since that day there has been a running joke that Amanda is a lesbian, the only reason she married my Dad was to get close to me. Obviously that's not true but we still tease her about it. In all fairness, seeing Amanda like that was hilarious and made me see why my Dad had fallen in love with her, it wasn't because she made inappropriate comments of his kids. No. It was because she could act so stupidly and still be oblivious to what she's done, when she does realise, she tries to get out of it only digging herself a deeper hole. She always takes things too far and laughs about it afterwards. That's why, and because she is an amazing cook.
After all it was just another day in the life as the Yorkshire Bookworm,
Till next time,
P.S. I haven't picked them up from a pub since.